What I want

Our life is made up of cycles. We are born, we grow up, we grow old, we die. We search, we study, we practice, we learn. We feel sad, then happy, then sad again, and then happy again. Everything is made up of cycles.

In these days I am in a phase that cyclically returns to torment me since I can remember and does it so with a question that persistently echoes in my mind: what do you want?

If now Lucifer (I hope you know the tv show) would came to me and exercising his power would look me straight in the eye and ask me: tell me Ester, what is it that you want? Maybe he would give me a hand to solve my problems because I don't have any idea of what I would answer!

But let's go back for a moment. In these days, in addition to working in the restaurant, I am trying to think what other possibilities I have in order to improve my economic condition. My doubts always begins when I start asking myself what job I would like to do because I have always had a lot of difficulties about this. At this point, a thousand other thoughts explode inside me, some with sense and others caused mostly by my emotions which maybe are also unrealistic. For example: << What job could I find? I wish I could make some cakes but I would never make enough money and I don't have the equipment to do it. I'm too scared to go around asking or offering to work and so I sit here puzzling without finding a solution. Why does everyone else I see on social media become famous, are rich, do what they love and are happy? Why can't I? But what do I want to do? What will everyone think if after almost two years after moving here they see that I haven't done anything yet? Maybe I'm incapable. Maybe I got it all wrong. The truth is that no one understands me, no one really listens to me and I am unable to explain it and I feel helpless. Even my family doesn't understand me, I don't feel supported, I feel alone...but I don't need anyone and I can do it. I just have to have faith and everything will be fine. >>

Here, I gave you an honest spin on one of my brain's favorite cycles. It is about work, but there are many others. I know it's normal and maybe putting it in black and white will help me forgetting the myth that it only happens to me. The perfect social network's life does not exist, we are all here and do our best to live, face life and feel joy in it.

Maybe the most difficult thing is being able to be honest with ourselves. If there is one thing that this journey is teaching me, it is that in life we build for ourselves many masks and erect many walls. We take cover behind a thousand defenses because of the fear to change, of admitting mistakes or facing our fears. We are convinced that we know what we want and that this is the right thing for us and then we can hardly move from there. Or at least in many things I am like that. We ask God to show us the way, but are we then willing to follow it?

This is just me speaking my mind out loud what I needed to share. I am increasingly convinced that moving here and changing my life was the right choice for me. This void that I now have to fill forces me to review all my parameters and priorities. To rebuild myself more sincerely and to recognize what I did wrong in many of my most important relationships. It gives me the opportunity to learn and grow. Perhaps to break some cycle of those that systematically torment me and build new ones.

Then in the end what I want is probably what everyone wants. To be loved, to be listened to, to feel understood. Being important for someone, being appreciated, feeling fulfilled. Be happy. The answers to the question "what do I want?" they change continuously throughout our lives, maybe the important thing is just never stop wondering.